Love is a many splendored thing, and also pretty fickle. But if you’re going to spend your time with someone, you do have to have certain standards.Below are some of the Ridiculous (Yet Hilarious) Reasons for Breaking Up With Someone.
We had planned to do dinner and a movie but I had to work late, so we stopped at Chik-Fil-A on the way to the theater. After she finished eating, she threw her trash out of my car and into the street. I never spoke to her again after that day.
His toenails were so long they clicked on the floor like a dog.
We are at a local brewery and she looks as though she is about to cry. I ask her what the problem is and she mentions that they don’t have any vegan options. They have plenty of vegetarian options that allow for you to substitute for vegan cheese, so I suggest that. At this point tears are rolling down her cheek. I ask if she has another place in mind and she immediately perks up. We head over to that restaurant and she orders fish tacos.
I took her out to eat. I said I wanted the salmon, she suggested I ordered a burger ‘like a man’.
I dated this girl who was the loudest eater I ever met. She constantly chewed with her mouth open and smacked her lips. God forbid if she really liked it, then there came a litany of mmms and noms as well. It was like dating the cookie monster.
She refused to eat anything besides chicken nuggets and french fries. No substitutions. Not chicken tenders. Not chicken strips. If we went somewhere without nuggets and fries she would just order a Coke and watch me eat.
I once made the mistake of cooking dinner for her. She took one bite and asked if I would be offended if she ran to McDonalds to get nugs/fries.
The voice she used to baby talk to her dog was insufferable. Occasionally she would use it on me but not a lot. Then one night she asked me, “Can I sucky on your dicky?” It was the first, and last, time I turned down sexual activity. We broke up right then and there.
I once broke up with a girl because she couldn’t ever decide on something. I would say, “Lets go to the movies” and I’d even ask what movie she wanted to see, and she would NEVER make up her mind. Drove me nuts.
Turns out she had another boyfriend, and when I confronted her about it, she told me “She couldn’t decide between the two of us.” fml
She ate my burger that I ordered at Chili’s. I asked her if she wanted food. She said no. Right as the food came I went to the bathroom. I came back and the f*cking burger was gone. “Oops I’m sorry I was a little hungry.” F you.
I hung in there for like 2 years.. The thing that did me in? She made noises, like all the time, and then giggle at herself.
She’d sit down in a chair “ploppppp, hehe.” She’d fluff up a pillow “foof foof foof hehe.” She’d use the TV remote “pshew pshew hehe.” We’d eat out “cunch cunch hehe.”
At the end, I wanted to jump off the roof.
She asked what I would do if someone poked a hole in my condom.
She used to sneak up on me while I’m peeing, grab hold of my junk and start aiming for me.
Eventually, I started to fake being startled so I’d have an excuse to piss on her feet, in the hopes that she would realize it’s a bad idea.
I once broke up with a girl because I thought she was hiding something and was going to break up with me. Turns out she was indeed hiding something: a trip to the Caribbean. For us.
I was an idiot at 22.
She didn’t believe in the moon landing
She was putting mustard on her fries by applying it to her hand first and then rubbing it all over the fries. Then she licked the mustard off her hand. You would never ever think she would do this by looking at her or speaking to her.
I dated a girl for a short time, based on a blind date. One night, we were driving to dinner and I was telling a story. I ended by saying “It was funny as hell.”
She looked at me and asked, “Do you really think hell is funny?”
Awkward dinner was the last dinner.
She would belch like a trucker, and then look at me excitedly for approval. One time she forced the belch too hard, and threw up in her own lap like a sick dog.
She was a one-upper. She’d have a better version of every one of my stories.
I was 9 at the time. Got a girlfriend on a Thursday, my mom got me glasses that weekend. I came back to school with glasses and the moment my girlfriend saw me she said “ewwww you dork” and broke up with me. She’s a heroin addict now.
She would constantly talk specifically during the dialogue of movies. In scenes where nobody was talking…silence. Then as soon as somebody started talking:
“DID YOU READ THAT ARTICLE ON SHEA BUTTER IN THE PAPER?”
Every time I yawned she thought it hilarious if she stuck her finger in my open mouth. I could never relaxalways had to be prepared for oral violation
She said nickelback was modern day Shakespeare.
He was really nice, but when we got to speaking on Facebook and text he could barely spell anything, and didn’t find grammar necessary. I felt bad until he called me a bitch.
Was staying at a beachhouse with girlfriend and her family. Outdoor shower. I’m in there fapping up a storm because, I don’t know, it felt appropriate at the time. You ever get that feeling that someone is watching you? Turns out you can look down into the shower from the top deck railing and her mom and aunt are laughing it up like little girls watching me operate the dutch rudder. I didn’t say a single word to girlfriend, got in my car, drove 3 hours home. Just never called her.
She had the same name as my sister. I liked her and tried, but I just couldn’t do it.
On our first date, I brought her home. I went to let my dog out for a grand total of five minutes, and she shaved her genitals using my razor. I came back in, went in the bathroom, and it was like a shaving cream bomb went off. Then I noticed my razor, wet with hairs on it. I have a full beard, and hadn’t used it in over a week. She then played it off like nothing happened, and there was nothing she felt like telling me.
She put the spoon into the sugar jar after stirring her coffee. Would leave clumps of coffee sugar.
She’d wait until she had the bartender’s attention and then start to decide what she wanted to drink.
He didn’t eat anything but potatoes, peanut butter, and ramen. He wasn’t a broke college student, just a f*cking picky eater. Nope. Adios.
She would always say how much she loved to travel, but has never been outside of California. Retweeting, reblogging, Instagram, everything about her “travels to the grocery store” or “my travels to Yosemite”. I ended it cause I said I needed space, last thing she said to me was “good luck on your travels”.